Authentic spiritual growth and our ability to experience happiness are the direct result of growth in our self-awareness. In this issue of the Newsletter, we are going to look at those dangerous unconscious primitive ego beliefs, that we all have, called “bent nickel” beliefs.
The many unconscious primitive ego beliefs of the inner-child that live inside each of us may have helped us navigate and survive the experiences of childhood, but when we attempt to use “bent nickel” beliefs to function in the adult world, we are going to cause ourselves pain, unhappiness, and suffering.
This is because a bent nickel belief is an unconscious belief that hides from our awareness and distorts reality. In other words, using a bent nickel belief means that we are mentally psychotic; literally creating our reality inside our minds; unaware that we are choosing to ignore or distort the authentic “what is” reality of our outer world.
The danger of a bent nickel belief comes from its subtlety and the fact that we are unaware of its existence.
For example, if we were claiming to be Abraham Lincoln, we would eventually get feedback from the world that we were behaving in a “crazy” manner. Our friends and family would encourage us to get help for our problem.
This will not happen when we use a bent nickel belief. Virtually no one will challenge our thinking process because bent nickel beliefs are beliefs that are culturally accepted to be normal and accurate reflections of reality. Bent nickel beliefs are essentially culturally accepted “flat world” beliefs.
In other words, if someone had tried to tell us in 1492 that the world was round, we would have assumed they were crazy because every one “knew” that the world was flat. We do not challenge beliefs we “know” to be true.
Let’s take a look at a few examples of common “bent nickel” beliefs.
One very common bent nickel belief is the belief that everyone should like us. If someone does not like us, it means there must be something wrong with us. We should try harder to get them to like us. The reality of course is that roughly 50% of all the people we meet are going to like us, and about 50% will not. In fact, if everyone likes us, we have very likely become a “care takers” who has abandoned our authentic self. It is very common for “care takers” to put on a false face, or adopt a false “self”, just to “please” others and encourage them to “like” us.
Another common “bent nickel” is the belief that love is a feeling. The reality is that love is a behavior. True love is not based on a feeling or an emotion. When love is based on a feeling, it will be very short lived because our feelings and emotions are very volatile. When we make a commitment to behave in a loving manner regardless of how we might be feeling in the moment, we are capable of a more sustainable, unconditional love.
Other examples of common bent nickel beliefs include, “If you loved me, you would know what I want and need without my having to ask for it”. The reality of course is that no one is capable of mind reading. No one will ever know for certain what we want or need unless we ask. If we wait for others to mind read us, we are destined to live a life of frustration, anger, and unhappiness.
How about the bent nickel belief that says, “Life should always be peaceful”. We may struggle to bring peace into the world by attempting to please others, but like all “care taking”, it will always be at the expense of losing sight of our own “self”. The reality is, it is not possible to create a peaceful world because the concept of a peaceful world is an illusion; another “bent nickel” belief.
Conflict is the natural result of change.
Nothing is ever static and unchanging. Everything in the known universe is evolving, changing and “becoming”. What we should be working toward is not peace and trying to please others, but rather learning how to manage conflict in ways that are more compassionate. We would be a lot happier, and less stressed and resentful.
Finally, another very common bent nickel belief says that “Life is a struggle. Life is hard.” This is not true. Life is easy. Life and reality are only hard on our rigid, inflexible bent nickel beliefs and what we think reality “should be”.
All bent nickel beliefs cause pain and suffering because they distort the reality of “what is”. When we struggle with the reality of “what is”, we will quickly become unhappy and depressed because we are fighting against the entire universe!
Instead of struggling to get rid of our feelings, we are always better off sitting with them, and paying attention to the lesson that the universe is trying to send us. We are fully responsible for the life that we have created for ourselves, so when we experience pain or unhappiness, we need to discover the bent nickel belief that is probably causing the discomfort.
The universe is very good at giving us painful feedback when we are making choices that are not helpful. When we choose to ignore the feedback, the universe will simply bring us a more painful lesson to learn from. This process will continue until we “get it”. Our spiritual work is to learn the lessons.
Growth in self-awareness brings happiness.
Personal Thoughts
I discovered the concept of a bent nickel belief many years ago when I began offering workshops on how to transform and mature the unconscious primitive ego of our inner-child. To understand the destructive power of a childhood bent nickel belief, I would ask half the participants in my workshop to try to stack a pile of nickels as high as they could on a flat table. When they got to the point where the stack of nickels was getting ready to fall, I would tell them that their stack of nickels was a metaphor for a happy and successful life.
I would ask the other half of the participants in the workshop to do the same exercise, only this time I would give each of them a slightly bent nickel and have them put it at the bottom of their stack. The bent nickel of course metaphorically represented a bent nickel belief at the base of their life.
It was rare that anyone could stack more than a few nickels before their stack fell over. When it did, I would remind them that the rest of the world would now be telling them that “they were lazy, or not trying hard enough”, or that “there was something wrong with them” because the other participants were competent at building very successful “lives” or “high stacks of nickels”.
It was not uncommon for one or more of those workshop participants who had a bent nickel at the base of their stack to get frustrated or angry and intentionally knock over their small stack of nickels and quit the exercise. I would then point out to them that quitting was actually a very healthy response when a person tried to build a successful life on top of a bent nickel belief.
Depression is a common form of quitting in our culture.
The workshop participants, who stubbornly continued to try to build a tall stack of nickels on top of their “bent nickel” always failed. I would remind them that in real life they would eventually experience failure, depression, discouragement, and low self-esteem if they used bent nickel beliefs.
I tried to show them that the problem is never personal. It we are unhappy in life it does not mean that there is something wrong with “us”. The problem is simply that no one is capable of creating a successful and happy life when they have bent nickel beliefs in the foundation of their life. No one!
As I was writing this article on bent nickel beliefs, I was reminding myself on how difficult it is to own my own feelings and simply sit with them until insight and self-awareness develops. I often find myself looking outside for the source of my feelings. Too often, I find myself wanting to blame someone else, or some outside situation, for the feelings that am experiencing.
Paying attention to what is going on internally, and intentionally doing the work of awakening my consciousness to achieve growth in self-awareness is both challenging and difficult. I find it very easy to “fall asleep” and simply go with the automatic “knee-jerk” responses of my unconscious primitive ego; projection and blame.
I try to remind myself that these are “my” feelings. Insisting that someone else take an aspirin because “I” happen to have a headache does not make any sense.
Over time, I am slowly learning that strong feelings and emotions are a powerful reminder or trigger to stop and pay attention to what is going on internally so I can try to get insight and self-awareness; to learn the lesson that the universe is trying to teach me; to remember that happiness and authentic spiritual growth are always the gift of our essential self whenever we grow in self-awareness.
Quote:
When things seem out of control, remember that, indeed, they are. It is only the (bent nickel) belief that you are ever in control that makes life seem to go awry. The harder you try to rule life, the harder it fights back. Learn to tell the difference between creating in the present and trying to control the future. One feels good, the other bad. Beth Johnson
A Spiritual Practice
Take the time to discover your bent nickel beliefs. They are rich sources of growth in self-awareness if you can successfully identify them. To discover the bent nickel beliefs in your life that are distorting reality, simply learn to sit with the pain you are feeling. Meditate on what makes you angry? What makes you unhappy? What causes stress for you? What is the lesson that the Universe is trying to teach you? Then sit with the anger, the unhappiness, or the stress until the insight comes. If you are willing to stay with this meditation long enough, the insight will eventually come. Wisdom comes from the emptiness and silence of simply “sitting with”.
Resist the urge to project the feeling out onto the world. Blaming others for your feelings may bring temporary relief, but it will not yield the self-awareness that will ultimately bring you the happiness and authentic spiritual growth you are seeking.
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