Earl Nightingale is well known for his quote " We become what we think about". The concept that he was teaching is one of life's fundamental truths. If we want to be a brain surgeon, we will need to think a lot about brain surgery. If we want to perform at Carnegie Hall we will have to think a lot about music.
If we want to achieve authentic spiritual growth, we will need to think a lot about generosity, tolerance, inclusiveness, diversity, forgiveness, openness, and emptiness of primitive ego. We will also need to think a lot about what gets in the way of our ability to sustainably manifest these important characteristics of an authentic spirituality.
Without deep self-awareness, authentic spiritual growth is not possible. If we really want to know ourselves and develop deep self-awareness, we will have to think a lot about who we really are, pay a lot of attention to our internal thoughts and beliefs, and think a lot about why we often do not behave like the person we would really like to be.
Most people who claim to know themselves well tend to be very shallow individuals. Like music and brain surgery, deep self-awareness requires a lot of attention and thinking. As Earl Nightingale reminds us, "We become what we think about".
Unfortunately, this concept also works in reverse. If we hold the belief and think a lot about how other people and events "make" us feel what we feel, it won't be long before we become closed, defensive, guarded, angry, unforgiving, resentful, aggressive, powerless, and blaming. This is called a flat world belief. If we lived in the 1300's and someone told you that the earth was round, your feelings would probably be amazement and dis-belief! You would think they were crazy because "everybody knows" that the earth is flat.
Today "everybody knows" that other people and events create our feelings. Go to a restaurant, order a cup of coffee and then listen to the conversations going on around you. "My boss makes me so angry, he's such a jerk". "I'm so happy, I start two weeks of vacation tomorrow". "My husband makes me feel so warm and cared for when he opens the car door for me". "My husband drives me crazy when he sits around watching football all day". This is an important flat world "everybody knows" exercise that we should do often to remind ourselves that simply because "everybody knows" something does not make it true.
An important step toward authentic spiritual growth is the awareness that no one can make us feel anything that is not already inside of us. A simple example will illustrate this fundamental truth.
Most people have a fear of snakes or spiders. So if someone held a slimy snake or hairy spider in our face we would probably be frightened. We would say that they frightened or scared us. If they held a small baby bunny rabbit in our face most of us would probably want to hold it and pet it.
This illustration simply points out the truth that most of us do not have a fear of baby bunny rabbits inside of us. Therefore, no matter how often someone holds up a bunny rabbit we will never feel fear. If they hold up a snake or a spider they can "remind" us of the fear that is already inside of us. But that's all they can do; simply remind us. They cannot "create or make the feeling of fear" because it is already inside of us.
The only appropriate, reality based, response to any of our feelings or emotions we become aware of is to simply ask ourselves the question, "This is MY feeling, so I wonder where the feeling energy is coming from inside me?" or "What old memory based feeling energy is the other person stimulating in me?"
Over time this simple truth will enable us to develop a deeper self-awareness. As we learn to take ownership for our own feelings, our primitive ego's knee jerk reaction to get angry and blame our feelings and sense of powerlessness on others will diminish.
If it's "MY" feeling, it doesn't make sense to blame others for what "I" am feeling. That would be like insisting that the other person take an aspirin because "I" have a headache.
Learning to own our own feelings is a powerful tool on the journey toward authentic spiritual growth.
PERSONAL THOUGHTS
I have learned over the years that much of my anger comes from people telling me what to do, telling me I'm wrong or criticizing me, and not "hearing" what I say or "making" me feel invisible. I can remember clearly my therapist saying "That sounds like a powerful feeling. Let's sit with it for a few minutes and see what insights come".
At the time, all I really wanted was for him to agree with me and affirm the fact that the events or people that created what I was feeling were really "jerks". Of course, much to my dismay he never did that. He would simply quietly remind me that it was "my" feeling that we were sitting with.
Sometimes he would say, "What are "you" feeling right now?" He would let me vent and project my anger for a while, but then he would bring it back to the reality that it was really about me, not others. It was "my" feeling that he was interested in exploring, not the other persons behavior.
In my practice as a therapist, I would often chuckle to myself when my client's would comment "I know, all you want me to do is "sit with the feeling". I'm sick and tired of "sitting" with the feeling. I want you to tell me how stupid and hurtful you think those people are being toward me."
I could so easily relate to how they were feeling as I recalled the many times that those same words had come from me. I am very grateful today that my therapist had the patience to quietly "sit with me" as I learned how to take greater ownership of my own feelings.
As I look around the world and listen to the news, I am saddened by how often I hear people justify their anger and feelings on other people's words and behaviors. The news is full of this behavior. In fact most of the violence in the world today stems from people projecting and blaming their feelings onto others.
But then I am reminded of a quote I heard somewhere in my journey " Don't fight against what you don't like. It's a waste of time. People only get angry and resistant when you push them. They will change only when the old ways no longer make sense to them. Instead, learn to bring into the world what "you" would like to see. Be a creator of change. Give others the opportunity to experience what you would like to see manifest in the world.
I'm not always successful, but I try to be mindful to own my own feelings and not use blame to project them onto others. When I am able to accomplish this, the world becomes more peaceful around me.**
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